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भगवद गीता के अध्याय 2 श्लोक 27 में कहा गया है:
“जिसने जन्म लिया है उसकी मृत्यु निश्चित है और मृत्यु के पश्चात् पुनर्जन्म भी निश्चित है।”

इससे कोई फर्क नहीं पड़ता है कि हम अपना जीवन कैसे जीते हैं, हम सभी का अंत एक जैसा होता है – खामोशी में। अंत में, सभी को जीवन के एक मात्र सत्य का सामना करना पड़ता है। मृत्यु निश्चित है, फिर हम चाहे कोई भी हों।
जैसे पतझड़ में पुराने पत्ते नए पत्तों के आने की जगह बनाने के लिए प्रकृति के नियमानुसार सुनहरे होकर झड़ जाते हैं, ठीक उसी प्रकार जो भी इस दुनिया में प्रवेश करता है, उसका एक दिन अंत होता ही है। जैसा कि लोग कहते हैं, जीवन एक चक्र है, जहां सभी आशाएं और सपने एक कहानी मात्र हैं। इस दुनिया में हर किसी को एक भूमिका निभानी है। वे प्यार का अनुभव करते हैं, ज्ञान प्राप्त करते हैं, ज्ञान प्रदान करते हैं, यादें बनाते हैं और अपने प्रयासों से दुनिया को बेहतर स्थान बनाते हैं। अंत में, इस बात से वास्तव में कोई फर्क नहीं पड़ता है कि हमने कौन सी कारें चलाईं, हमने कितना पैसा जमा किया और कितनी भौतिक संपत्ति हासिल की। जीवन का असल अर्थ उसमे निहित है जो हमारे जाने के बाद लंबे समय तक बना रहता है – स्थायी विरासत, प्रभावशाली कर्म, दूसरों पर हमारा सकारात्मक प्रभाव, जिन लोगों से हम प्यार करते थे, और वे यादें जिन्हें हम पीछे छोडकर गये।

कहा जाता है कि कोई व्यक्ति वास्तव में हमें छोड़कर तब तक नहीं जाता है, जब तक उनका नाम लिया जाता है, उनके गीत गाए जाते हैं, उनके शब्दों को याद किया जाता है, उनके साथ बिताए पलों को याद किया जाता है, उनकी विरासत को आगे बढ़ाया जाता है। जब तक एक भी व्यक्ति उन्हें याद करता है, तब तक वह उनके भीतर जीवित रहते हैं।

अपने दादाजी की यादों को लिखते हुए, मैं यह सोचे बिना नहीं रह सकता कि जीवन कितना अस्थिर है। एक क्षण हम यहां हैं, और अगले क्षण हम नहीं हैं। वर्तमान में जीना एक ऐसा उपहार है जिसकी हम शायद ही कभी सराहना करते हैं, हम केवल भविष्य के बारे में चिंता करते हैं जो हमारे नियंत्रण से बाहर है।

दादाजी, जिनसे मैं बहुत प्यार करता हूँ, उन्होंने एक सरल लेकिन भरपूर जीवन जिया, एक बड़े से परिवार के साथ, जिनसे वो बहुत प्यार करते थे – उनके 6 बेटे, 2 बेटियाँ, 16 पोते और पोती, और 1 परपोता है। 87 साल की उम्र में उनकी याददाश्त शानदार और दिमाग जिज्ञासु था। अपने छोटे लेकिन लंबे जीवन में, उन्होंने भारत की आजादी देखी, कोविड जैसी महामारी में वे स्वस्थ्य बने रहे, और उन्हें अपने सबसे बड़े पोते की शादी में शरीक होने का सौभाग्य प्राप्त हुआ। वह किसी भी चीज और हर चीज के बारे में बात करने में हमेशा खुश रहते थे, और उनके पास हर प्रिय व्यक्ति के लिए समय होता था। वह शायद ही कभी शिकायत करते थे, और जो उनके पास था उससे संतुष्ट रहते थे। दादाजी ने जो उपदेश दिया, उसका उन्होंने पालन भी किया और वे सादगी के प्रतीक थे, वे इस बात का जीता जागता प्रमाण थे कि सरलतम चीजों में भी खुशियाँ पाई जा सकती है। वे एक सम्मानित और शहर में एक जाने-माने व्यक्ति थे, उनकी प्रतिष्ठा उनसे पहले आती थी। 

दादाजी खाने के बड़े शौकीन थे। उन्होंने एक पूर्ण शाकाहारी जीवन जिया, और उन्होंने कभी भी लहसुन और प्याज के स्वाद का अनुभव नहीं किया। न ही उन्होंने कभी पान, सिगरेट, तंबाकू और शराब पी। उनमें चीजों के लिए थोड़ा कम धैर्य था, और उन्हें घर पर रहना उतना पसंद नहीं था। उन्हें हर चीज का शौक था। उनके पास अपना सामान रखने के लिए एक निजी बक्सा होता था, और विशेष अवसरों पर वो चश्मा, कुर्ता, पायजामा, सैंडल, फैंसी घड़ी और अपनी छड़ी लेकर खुद ही तैयार हो जाते थे। वह हमेशा कुछ नकदी रुपये लेकर चलते थे।

दादाजी की सबसे पुरानी यादों में से एक मेरे बचपन की याद है, जब स्कूल के रास्ते में एक छोटी सी नाली के कारण वे मुझे गोद में उठा लेते थे, जिसे मैं खुद से पार नहीं कर पाता था। कई अवसरों पर मुझे सुनाई गई यह कहानी समय के साथ कुछ धुंधली सी हो गई है, फिर भी यह मेरे दिमाग में स्पष्ट तस्वीर बनाये हुए है। दुर्भाग्य से, वे कोडक वाले दिन थे जब हमारे पास यादों को संजोने के लिए उतने पैसे नही थे।  

हर छह महीने में मेरी घर की यात्राओं के दौरान मैं हर रात दादाजी के पास बैठा करता था, जहाँ हम उनके दिमाग में जो कुछ भी आता था, उसके बारे में बातें करते थे। स्वभाव से जिज्ञासु होने के कारण उनकी जिज्ञासा की कोई सीमा नहीं थी। हम आमतौर पर अलग-अलग विषयों पे विस्तारपूर्वक बातचीत करते थे – भोजन, संस्कृति, समुद्र, हवाई जहाज़, सॉफ्टवेयर, लैपटॉप, विदेश, माइक्रोसॉफ्ट, अमेज़ॅन, और सबसे महत्वपूर्ण – उनके जीवन के अनुभव, और उनके करीबी और बड़े परिवार के बारे में बातें करते थे। कंप्यूटर कैसे काम करता है, और बड़ी तकनीकी कंपनियों के कार्यालय कैसे दिखते हैं, उन्हें ये सब पसंद था। वे उन्हें सॉफ्टवेयर फैक्ट्री बुलाते थे, जहां मैं काम के लिए रोजाना जाता हूं। वह लैपटॉप में कुछ टाइप करके अच्छा पैसा कमाने की संभावना से हैरान थे।
“विदेश में खाने के कौन से विकल्प उपलब्ध हैं? क्या मुझे वहां भारतीय मसाले खरीदने को मिलते हैं? तुम अपने आप सब कुछ कैसे कर लेते हो? रोबोट कैसे काम करते हैं? अमेरिका यहां से कितनी दूर है? क्या हवाई जहाज़ से उड़ने में डर लगता है? क्या माइक्रोशोफ्ट तुमको एक सर्वेंट क्वार्टर और अन्य सुविधाएँ देता है?”
हम कितनी ही देर बातें करते रहें, उनके उत्सुक सवालों का कभी अंत ही नहीं होता था। वह एक के बाद एक प्रश्न तब तक पूछते रहते जब तक कि मेरी दादी उनसे सोने के लिए नहीं कहती थीं।

मेरी यादें मुझे एक कहानी की याद दिलाती हैं, जिसे दादाजी ने कई मौकों पर गर्व से मुझे सुनाया था, जिसमें उनकी सादगी और मासूमियत के बारे में पता चलता था और वे भावुक हो जाते थे, यह बटवारे के समय उनके भाई-बहनों की कहानी थी। वह बताते कि कैसे उन्हें अपनी शादी में 17 सोने की अंगूठियां मिलीं और कैसे उन्हें सब कुछ छोड़ना पड़ा। उस थोक की दुकान के बारे में जो उन्होंने और पापा ने मिलकर शुरू की थी और अब मेरे चाचा चलाते हैं। कैसे उस समय के दौरान, मेरे परिवार के पास कुछ भी नहीं था, व्यवसाय बुरी तरह से विफल हो रहा था और सब कुछ एक साथ लेकर चलने में उन्हें कठिनाइयों का सामना करना पड़ रहा था। वो बताते थे कि बंटवारे में उनके हिस्से वो दुकान कर दी गई थी जिसको लोग अशुभ मानते थे, पर उन्होंने कभी हिम्मत नहीं हारी। उन्हें जो कुछ भी दिया गया, उसे उन्होंने इकट्ठा करके एक साम्राज्य खड़ा कर दिया। इसके साथ उनका गौरव और भावनात्मक जुड़ाव शब्दों से परे था, जिसे हम आज भी संजोए हुए है। 

जब मैं कनाडा, और बाद में अमेरिका में रहने गया, तो व्हाट्सएप वीडियो कॉल ने हमारे बीच की दूरी को कम कर दिया, जिससे मुझे उनके दूर होने का अहसास कम हुआ, और मुझे खुशी है कि ऐसा हो सका। “आप क्या कर रहे हैं, दादाजी? “, वह सवाल था जो मैं अक्सर फोन पर पूछता था। उनका जवाब हमेशा मेरी उम्मीदों के अनुरूप होता था। वह कुछ ना कुछ पढ़ते रहते थे जैसे रामायण, गीता, समाचार पत्र, और भी बहुत कुछ। पढ़ने के लिए उनका उत्साह अलग ही था और उनकी उम्र को देखते हुए यह असाधारण था। 

हमारी बातचीत में जब वो अपने अनुभवों के बारे में बताते थे, वह हवाई जहाज में सवार न होने के बारे में अक्सर पछतावा करते थे। वह हमेशा मानते थे कि उन्हें इसका अनुभव करने में बहुत देर हो चुकी है। भले ही यह सुनने में कितना ही सपने जैसा क्यों न लगे, दिल की गहराइयों में, मैं हमेशा चाहता था कि वह मेरी शादी में आयें, और अपने परपोते को गोद में खेलाएं। आखिरकार, एक आदमी सपना देख सकता है, है ना। पिछले साल मेरी मनपसंद जगह पर शादी के दौरान, जब उनका स्वास्थ्य बेहतर था, तो मैंने उनके, दादी और चाचा जी के साथ उनके इस सपने को पूरा करने के लिए उदयपुर की फ्लाइट टिकट बुक की। वे उत्साहित और डरे हुए थे। उपर उड़ने का मजेदार अहसास, और वहां कुछ अजीब होने का भय उन्हें अभिभूत कर रहा था। एक फ्लाइट में एस्केलेटर नहीं था, और उन्होंने उनसे सीढ़ियाँ चढ़ने के लिए कहा। जबकि वह ऐसा करने में शारीरिक रूप से सक्षम थे, लेकिन इससे बड़ी परेशानी होती। अंत में काफी समझाने-बुझाने के बाद वे उन्हें व्हील चेयर के साथ हाथ से उठाकर ले गए।

मुझे वे पांच दिन अच्छी तरह याद हैं, और हमारी हर बातचीत जैसे कि कल ही की बात हो – उन्होंने पटना एयरपोर्ट को मुंबई की तुलना में कैसे जीरो रेट किया, वह कितने खुश थे, अपने बड़े पोते की शादी देखने की उनकी इच्छा और उनकी आवाज़ में चिंता थी कि क्या उन्हें फिर कभी ऐसा अनुभव करने का मौका मिलेगा। जिस पर, मैंने उन्हें आश्वासन दिया था कि उनके कई पोते हैं और वे सभी उनके सपनों को पूरा करेंगे। लेकिन मैं नही जानता था कि भगवान की क्या इच्छा थी। वो पल इतने शानदार थे की मैं उसे कैमरे में रिकॉर्ड करने से खुद को नहीं रोक सका। वो वीडियो मेरे पास उनकी एकमात्र यादें हैं।

लोगों से बातचीत करते वक्त वो अक्सर कहते थे, “मेरा पोता का शादी है। बहुत दूर से कर रहा है। पता नहीं  हम जा पाएंगे या नहीं।”। मेरी शादी के दिन, जब वह विंटेज लाल कार में मेरे बगल में बैठे थे, तब वे अपनी पसंदीदा कपड़े पहने थे जो पीला कुर्ता, सफेद पैंट और वेस्टकोट, और स्टाइलिश भूरे रंग के लोफर्स थे, उन्होंने पूरी बरात में बिना रुके हनुमान चालीसा का जाप करते हुए डांस किया। उनके जोश ने सभी को हैरत में डाल दिया। पूछने पर उन्होंने जवाब दिया, “गोलू बोला की दादाजी आपको हमारी शादी में खूब डांस करना है। मेरा हाथ दर्द कर गया, लेकिन हम हिम्मत नही हारे”।
यह सबसे खुशी की बात है, और अब तक की सबसे बेहतरीन याद मेरे पास है। जिसे मैं हमेशा के लिए अपने दिल के करीब रखूंगा। 

दादाजी मेरी शादी में डांस करते हुए

मैंने 9 जून, 2023 को दादाजी को हेपैटोसेलुलर कार्सिनोमा और 500k लोगों में से 1 को होने वाली बहुत दुर्लभ बीमारी बल्बर पाल्सी के कारण खो दिया, दोनों ही अपने आप में घातक और जानलेवा हैं, लेकिन दोनों बीमारियाँ मिलकर उनकी उम्र के हिसाब से उनके लिए एक घातक संयोजन साबित हुई और वह हमें छोड़कर चले गए। वे संयुक्त परिवार में अपने प्रियजनों से घिरे रहे, जैसा की वह हमेशा चाहते थे। दादी कहती हैं, ”पता नहीं कौन सा अजीब बुखार हुआ जो उनको उड़ा कर ले गया।”। 67 साल साथ रहने के बाद उनकी अनुपस्थिति ने दादी को अकेला कर दिया, और कई भावनात्मक रूप से अकेले पड़ गये। उन्होंने अखबार और भगवद गीता पढ़ते हुए अपने अंतिम दिन तक अपने तेज दिमाग और दयालुता को बनाए रखा, और अपनी अस्पष्टत आवाज के कारण वे लिखकर बातचीत करते रहे। अपनी अंतिम सांस से कुछ दिन पहले, वह डोरी वाली नई पैंट मांग रहे थे। मेरे चाचा को कह रहे थे कि, रितेश, हमारे लिए वो नई पैंट ला देना। उनके जीवन के अंतिम सात सप्ताह बड़ी बेचैनी से भरे थे। गले की मांसपेशियों में कमजोरी के कारण उन्हें खाने पीने में कठिनाई होती थी, जिससे उन्हें खाने-पीने में खांसी उठने लगती थी। वे मुश्किल से खा पाते थे और कम मात्रा में तरल खाना खाते थे, जो उनके शरीर की आवश्यकता से बहुत कम था, जिससे वह कमजोर होते चले गये। जब भी मेरी दादी कुछ खातीं, तो वे अपनी उँगलियों से मुँह की ओर खाने के लिए इशारा करते थे जो उनकी खाने के लिए तेज इच्छा को बताता था। वह लिखते थे, “मुझे आम का रस दे दो”, “मुझे बेल (वुड एप्पल) का रस दे दो”, “मैं बिस्किट खाना चाहता हूँ”। 

सात सप्ताह पहले हमें उनकी बीमारी के बारे में पता चला, हम जानते थे कि अब वे हम सबको छोड़कर जाने वाले हैं। यह बात मुझे अंदर से खाये जा रही थी, खासकर पिछले कुछ दिन, जो बेचैनी से भरे हुए थे। लगभग हर रात सोने से पहले मैं दादाजी से वीडियो कॉल के जरिए बात करता था। यह एक सुकून देने वाली दिनचर्या थी, और जैसे ही कॉल कनेक्ट होती, वह मुझे तुरंत पहचान लेते थे। हालाँकि उनकी आवाज़ स्पष्ट नहीं थी, फिर भी मैं उनकी बातें समझ सकता था। मैं पूछता था, “आप कैसे हैं, दादाजी”। उनका जवाब होता “ठीक नही है”, और अपनी दवाओं के काम न करने की निराशा व्यक्त करते थे। उस स्थिति में भी, उन्हें पढना अच्छा लगता था। बेहतरीन और आधुनिक चिकित्सा साधनों के बावजूद, हम कुछ भी नहीं कर सके।उनके इलाज के लिए मैं जो कुछ भी कर सकता था मैंने किया। पूरा इंटरनेट खंगालने और सारे संपर्कों से पूछने के बावजूद कुछ नहीं मिला। इसका कोई इलाज नहीं था। जो भी दुर्लभ और रिसर्च में जारी इलाज की जा सकती थी, डॉक्टरों ने उनकी उम्र में उसकी सलाह नही दी।
और इन्हीं सब चीजों के बीच हमने उन्हें खो दिया। यह सब बहुत तेजी से हुआ, जिसकी मैंने उम्मीद नहीं की थी। कुछ देर पहले वे यहीं थे, और फिर वह चले गये – एक चुटकी की तरह। उनके जाने के 6 दिन बाद, मुंबई के एक प्रतिष्ठित न्यूरो अस्पताल ने मुझसे संपर्क किया, जिन्होंने स्टेम सेल पर रिसर्च किया था, जो उनकी बीमारी का इलाज कर सकता था।

उन्हें हिंदू रीति-रिवाज के अनुसार दाह-संस्कार के लिए ले जाया गया, जिसमें लोग केवल “राम नाम सत्य है” का जप कर रहे थे”, क्योंकि उनका यह कहना था कि अंतिम संस्कार उत्सव मनाने जैसा नहीं है। खाने के प्रति उनके प्रेम को दर्शाने के लिए हमने उनके कपड़े को आम और सेब से सजाया। उनके जाने के बाद हमें आकस्मिक रूप से उनकी डायरी मिली, जिसमें पूरे परिवार सहित उनके जीवन का हर पहलू लिखा था – वे कहाँ गए, किससे मिले, क्या किया, उनका दिन कैसा बीता, उनका स्वास्थ्य कैसा था, उन्होंने कौन सी दवाएँ लीं, कौन घर आया, कौन किसके घर गया, वगैरह वगैरह। किसी एक डायरी के एक पन्ने पर लिखा है – “10 अप्रैल, 2022: आज गोलू दिल्ली से आया है…”। वह इसे छिपा कर रखते थे, और कभी दादी को भी उसे पढ़ने नहीं दिया। बाद में पापा ने बताया कि उन्हें लिखने का जुनून था, और वे पाँच दशकों से अधिक समय से व्यक्तिगत डायरी लिख रहे थे। दादाजी को डॉक्टरों के यहाँ जाना कुछ ख़ास पसंद नहीं था। अस्पताल और सुईयों से उन्हें गहरी भय और बेचैनी होती थी। जब भी वह डॉक्टर के पास जाते थे, प्रश्नों की एक लिखित सूची लेकर जाते थे, और आवश्यक उत्तर प्राप्त करने के लिए इसे डॉक्टर को सौंप दिया करते थे। वो सभी मेडिकल रिकॉर्ड्स पर खुद ही हिंदी या अंग्रेजी में आवश्यकतानुसार हस्ताक्षर किया करते थे। वह अपने अंतिम दिन तक शारीरिक रूप से सक्रिय थे, अपने हर दिन सुबह 5 बजे नहाने के नियम का ईमानदारी से पालन करते थे।

उन्होंने अपना जीवन शानदार तरीके से पूरा खुलकर जिया, और उनकी  इच्छा थी कि वो और भी कई सालों तक उसी तरीके से जीते रहे। वो और अधिक जीना, और  अधिक देखना, और अधिक अनुभव करना, और  अधिक प्यार करना, और अधिक देखभाल करना और अधिक खाने का आनंद लेना चाहते थे। अपने जीवन के अंतिम कुछ दिनों में, उन्होंने फूड पाइप के बारे में विस्तार से पूछताछ की, इसको लगाने की तकनीक, इससे होने वाली संभावित असुविधा, और इसके रोजमर्रा के जीवन पर क्या प्रभाव पड़ेगा। 

दादाजी के निधन ने एक खालीपन छोड़ दिया है, एक खालीपन जो मेरे भीतर गूँजता है – जिसे फिर कभी नहीं भरा जा सकता, और अगर वो खालीपन भरा जा सकता हो, तो भी मैं इसे भरना नहीं चाहूँगा। क्योंकि वह मेरे जीवन का एक विशेष हिस्सा है, जिसे मैं अपने समय के अंत तक संजो कर रखूंगा। दादाजी के जीवन ने मुझे सिखाया कि सादगी, विनम्रता, दया, सहानुभूति और जमीन से जुड़े स्वभाव का बहुत महत्व है। कई विशेषताएं जो मुझे विरासत में मिली हैं, उनमें से सबसे गहरी हैं – खाने का एक जैसा शौक, पढ़ने और लिखने की तीव्र इच्छा, वही “मकर” राशिफल, वही रंग रूप, और वही कभी न खत्म होने वाली जिज्ञासा। यदि मैं आने वाली पीढ़ियों को उनकी विरासत सौंप सका तो यह मेरी सबसे बड़ी उपलब्धि होगी। तब मैं गर्व से कह सकूंगा कि मैंने एक उद्देश्यपूर्ण जीवन जिया है। अगर उनके जाने से मैंने एक मूल्यवान सबक सीखा है, तो वह है अपने प्रियजनों के साथ समय बिताना और यादें बनाना; हो सकता है आप उन्हें फिर कभी न देख पाएं। काम, पैसा, बाकी सब-इंतजार कर सकते हैं। 

मुझे आपकी बहुत याद आती है, दादाजी। आप हमें बहुत जल्दी छोड़कर चले गए। जब मैं आपके कमरे में जाता हूं तो मुझे एक असामान्य खालीपन दिखाई देता है, एक परेशान करने वाला खालीपन का भाव, जैसे कुछ गायब है, कुछ ऐसा जिसे बदला नहीं जा सकता। मेरे विचारों में आपके बिना एक दिन भी नहीं बीता। ऐसी अनगिनत चीज़ें हैं जो मैं चाहता हूँ कि मैं आपसे बातचीत कर पाता। यह विश्वास करना कठिन है कि अब आप हमारे बीच नहीं हैं; मैं अब आपको एक बार और नहीं देख पाउँगा, एक बार फिर आपकी आवाज नही सुन पाउँगा, और आप मुझसे एक और रोचक प्रश्न नही पूछेंगे। अलविदा दुःखद होती है, जिसे मैं वास्तव में कभी नहीं जानता था, जब तक कि मृत्यु ने आपको मुझसे दूर नहीं कर दिया। मुझे सदा इस बात का दुख रहेगा कि मैं आपसे आखिरी बार नहीं मिल पाया।
ॐ शांति, दादाजी ! 😭

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Dadaji portrait
9 min read

“Death is certain for one who has been born, and rebirth is inevitable for one who has died.” 

BG 2.27

No matter how we live our lives, we all end up the same — in silence. In the end, everyone faces the eternal truth of life. Death is inevitable, no matter who we are. Like fall leaves turn golden in autumn embracing the absolute magnificence of the nature, only to wither away and make room for the birth of new leaves, one who enters this world leaves one day, bidding adieu to the realm of existence. Circle of life as we call it, where all hopes and dreams are mere echoes of a tale cut short. Everyone in this world has a role to play. They experience love, gain knowledge, impart wisdom, create memories, and make the world a slightly better place through their endeavors. In the end, it doesn’t really matter what cars we drove, how much money we accumulated, and how many material possessions we acquired. The true essence lies in the elements that persist long after we are gone – the lasting legacy, the impactful deeds, the positive influence we had on others, the people we loved, and the memories we left behind.

It has been said that a person is not truly gone as long as his name is spoken, his songs are sung, his words are remembered, moments spent with him are cherished, his legacy is carried on. Even if a single person remembers him, misses him, he lives within them marking their souls forever. 

As I pen the emotional memoir on my grandfather, I can’t help but think how fickle life is. One moment we’re here, and in the next, we’re not. Living in present is a gift we seldom appreciate, only to worry about a future that is beyond our control. 

Dadaji, as I fondly called him, lived a simple yet fulfilled life, surrounded by the big family, he loved unconditionally – 6 sons, 2 daughters, 16 grandsons & granddaughters and 1 great grandson. At the age of 87, he had an elephant’s memory, and an inquisitive mind. In his short yet long life, he witnessed India’s independence, came out of Covid pandemic unscathed, and was fortunate to celebrate the wedding of his eldest grandson. He was always happy to talk about anything and everything, and had time for everyone dear to him. He rarely complained, and was content with what he had. Dadaji followed what he preached, and was an epitome of simplicity, a living proof that happiness can be found in simplest of things. Well respected and a prominent figure in the town, his reputation preceded him. 

Dadaji was a big foodie. Having lived a strict vegetarian lifestyle, his taste buds never experienced the flavours of garlic, and onion. Neither did he ever try paan, cigarette, tobacco, and alcohol. He had little patience for things, and never liked staying at home. He had passion for everything. He had a personal box for storing his belongings, and on special occasions, he would get ready by himself, adorning glasses, Kurta, Pyjama, sandals, fancy watch, and his walking stick. He would always carry some cash.

One of my earliest recollections of Dadaji dates back to my early childhood, when he used to pick me up from school due to a small drain on the way that I couldn’t cross on my own. This story, told to me on numerous occasions, has become somewhat hazy with time, yet it remains vividly etched in my mind. Unfortunately, those were the Kodak days when we didn’t have the luxury to have those moments captured for us to walk down the memory lane. 

During my usual half yearly home visits, I had a regimen to sit beside Dadaji every night, where we discussed about whatever came to his mind. Being inquisitive by nature, his curiosity knew no bound. We usually chatted on wide range of topics – food, culture, sea, flight, software, laptop, foreign countries, Microsoft, Amazon, and most significantly – his captivating life experiences around him, and his close and extended huge family. He was fascinated by how computer works, and how offices of big tech companies looked like. Software Factory, as he called them, where I commute daily for work. He couldn’t fathom the possibility of making good money by typing characters in a portable machine.
“What food options are available in Videsh (foreign land)? Do I get to buy Indian spices there? How are you able to do everything by your own? How do robots work? How far is America from here? Are flights scary? Does Microsoft provide you with a servant quarter and other facilities?”
No matter how long we talked, his innocent questions never seemed to end. He would keep asking one question after the other until Dadi (my grandmother) asked him to go to sleep.

My vivid memories remind me of a story, which Dadaji proudly shared with me on several occasions, emphasizing his simplicity & innocence, and got emotional about, was on his humble beginnings during the times of partition between his siblings. He would narrate how he got 17 gold rings in his marriage and how he had to give up everything. About the wholesale shop which was established by him and Papa, and is now run by my uncles. How during that time, my family had nothing, with the business failing drastically and his hardships in holding onto everything together. How he was tricked into getting the property, because of the superstitious belief that the shop was somehow jinxed, and it won’t bring anything, but misfortune. He collected whatever he was given, and built an empire out of it. His pride and emotional connection with this were beyond words, and are cherished by us, to this day. 

While I relocated to Canada, and later US, WhatsApp video calls bridged the distance between us, making it feel much shorter, which I am glad it did. “What are you doing, Dadaji?”, was the question I most frequently asked over calls. And his response was always as predictable as the passing of time. He would be reading something – Ramayana, Geeta, newspaper, and the list goes on. His zeal for reading was unparalleled, and given his age, it was beyond extraordinary. 

As he reminisced warmly about his experiences during our candid chats , he oftentimes regretted about not having board a Jahaaz (flight). He always believed that it was too late for him to experience it. As wishful as it may sound, deep down, I always desired him to witness my wedding, and hold his great grandchildren in his arms. Afterall, a man can dream, right. While conversing with people, he often mentioned, “My grandson is getting married in a far away location; I am not sure if I will be able to attend it.”.
During my dream destination wedding last year, when he was in great health, I booked my flight tickets with him, Dadi, and Sanjhle Papa (my uncle) to Udaipur, fulfilling one of his cherished dreams. Both excited, and scared, he was in rollercoaster of emotions. The exuberant feeling of being in air, and the fear of what could unfold were overwhelming him. One of the flights didn’t have an escalator, and they asked him to climb stairs. While he was physically capable of doing so, it would have caused great discomfort. Finally, after much persuasion, they hand-carried him along with wheelchair.
I vividly remember those five days, and every chat we had, as if it were only yesterday – how he rated Patna airport Zero, as compared to that in Mumbai, how happy he was, his anticipation to see his eldest grandson getting wed, and concern in his voice if he would ever get a chance to experience this again. To which, I had assured him that he had many grandchildren, and they will all fulfill his dreams. How naïve I was to question the will of gods. The intensity of those moments was so overwhelming that, despite not being a person inclined towards recording videos, I couldn’t resist capturing them. Those videos are the sole candid visual memories I have of him.

Dadaji dancing in my wedding

During his conversations with people, he often mentioned, “My grandson is getting married in a far away location; I am not sure if I will be able to attend it.”
On my wedding day, as he sat beside me in the vintage red car, adorned in his favorite attire – vibrant yellow Kurta, paired with white trousers & waistcoat, and stylish brown loafers, he danced non-stop in the entire Baraat quietly chanting Hanuman Chalisa. His energy took everyone by surprise. When asked, he replied, “Golu bola ki Dadaji aapko hamari shadi mein khub dance karna hai. Mera hath dard kar gaya, lekin hum himmat nahi haare.”.
This is happiest, and by far, the most powerful memory I have of him. Something, I’ll hold close to my heart forever. 

I lost Dadaji on June 9, 2023 to Hepatocellular Carcinoma (Liver Cancer), and very rare Bulbar Palsy affecting 1 out of 500k people, both of them deadly on its own, but in combination, especially at his age, they proved to be a rather lethal combination. He left in peace, void of pain, surrounded by his loved ones in the joint family, like he always wanted. Dadi says, “The weird fever took him away”. His absence left Dadi alone, after 67 years of togetherness, and orphaned many emotionally. He maintained his sharp mind and compassion until his last day, reading newspaper & Bhagvat Geeta, and communicating in writing due to his slurred voice. A few days before his last breath, he was asking, my uncle, Ritesh, for new pant with drawstring. Last seven weeks of his life were filled with great discomfort. Due to weakness in facial muscles, he had difficulty in swallowing solid food and liquid, leading to coughing while eating and drinking. He barely ate, and consumed liquid food in small quantities, far below what his body required. His physical condition deteriorated, rendering him frail and feeble. Whenever my Dadi ate something, he would point his fingers towards his mouth, expressing his intense craving for those flavours. He would pen, “Give me mango juice”, “Give me Bel (Wood Apple) juice”, “I want to eat biscuit”. 

Ever since receiving the diagnosis seven weeks ago, we knew it was coming. But it happened all too fast and much sooner than I had anticipated. He was just here, and then he was gone – like snap of a finger. The fact that he was going to leave us soon, was consuming me from inside, especially last few days, which were filled with restlessness. Almost every night before sleep, I talked to Dadaji through video calls. It was a comforting routine, and as soon as the call connected, he would instantly recognize me. Although his voice wasn’t crystal clear, I could still comprehend his words. I would ask, “How are you, Dadaji”. “Thik nahi hai”, he responded, and express his disappointment with the ineffectiveness of his medications. Even in that condition, he found solace in reading. Despite significant medical advancement, there was nothing we could do. I exhausted technology and contacts to search for whatever I could – treatment in every form. There was just no cure. Whatever rare and under research it was, doctors didn’t recommend it at his age. 6 days after he passed away, a reputable Neuro hospital contacted me, researching Stem Cell as a potential treatment on the condition he had. 

His body was carried for Daah-Sanskar – the Hindu funeral rites, in solemn silence, only chanting “Shri Ram naam satya hai”, as he firmly believed that funeral is not a place for festivity. As a gesture of his love for food, we adorned his attire with a mango and an apple. After his demise, we stumbled upon his diaries where he meticulously documented every aspect of his life, including his entire family – where he went, whom he met, what he did, how his day went, what was his health like, what medicines he took, who visited home, who went where, and the list goes on. One of the diary pages read – “April 10, 2022: Aaj Golu Dilli se aya hai…” He was secretive, and never let even Dadi read them. Later Papa (my father) revealed that he had burning passion for writing, and had been maintaining personal diaries for more than five decades. Dadaji didn’t particularly like doctor visits. Hospitals and injections evoked a deep sense of fear and unease in him. During his doctor visits, he would prepare a written list of questions, and hand it over to the doctor to get necessary answers. He signed all medical records himself, in Hindi or English, as required. He was physically active until his last day, faithfully adhering to his daily 5:00 AM regimen of taking a bath. 

He lived his life to the fullest, and harbored the desire to continue the same for many more years. He wanted to live more, see more, experience more, love more, care more, and taste more. In last few days of his life, he enquired in great detail, about food pipe, its installation technique, the potential discomfort it would cause, and the impact it would have in his everyday life. 

Dadaji’s demise has left a void, an emptiness that echoes within me – never to be filled again. And even if it could, I won’t want it to. For he is a special part of my life, which I will cherish until the end of my time. Dadaji’s life taught me that simplicity, humility, kindness, empathy, and down-to-earth nature go a long way. Among several characteristics that I inherited, the most profound ones are – our shared love for food, intense desire for reading & writing, same “Capricorn” horoscope, similar skin tones, and never-ending inquisitiveness. If only I could pass on his legacy to the generations to come, it would be my greatest achievement. I can then proudly say that I have lived a life, filled with purpose. If there is one valuable lesson that I learned from his passing, it is the importance of spending time with your loved ones and creating memories; For you may never see them again. Work, money, everything else – can wait. 

I miss you deeply, Dadaji. You left us far too soon. I find unusual emptiness when I enter your bedroom, an unsettling sense of void, like something is missing, something that can’t be replaced. Not a day has passed without you lingering in my thoughts. There are countless things I wish I could have chatted with you. It’s hard to believe that you are no longer with us; that I will no longer see you one more time, hear your voice one more time, and see you ask me one more curious question one more time. Goodbyes are rather painful, which I never really knew, until death took you away from me. It will weigh on my heart forever, that I couldn’t meet you for the last time. Rest in peace, Dadaji! 😭 

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2 min read

December 25, 2022
My cute naughty baby,
Here is a hug from your Santa, to show he cares; to see you through; just hold me tight, and keep me near, ’tis a hug to show I’m always here.

This Santa loves you more than there are stars in the galaxy, and misses you like noone in this world has missed another. When someone asks me, why do I always look lost? What do I say to that. To the fact that I can’t stop my eyes from looking for you when I walk across the favorite restaurant of yours. To the fact that I burst with emotions when I smell your favorite flower, and wish you were here. To the fact that when I hear a joke, I find it hard to laugh alone. To the fact that your smile is the most valuable gift to me, and no money in this world can replace it. To the fact that even the cheesecake doesn’t taste as sweet as it used to when we ate it together. To the fact that I miss your smell when I wake up. To the fact that I no longer go for long evening walks around the Marina, because it reminds me of you. To the fact that I am not as focused and productive as I was when I was with you. To the fact that the only music I want to listen to is melancholic, because it reflects my mood. To the fact that all the words in this world have fallen short to express how much I miss you. To the fact that there is no happiness without you. To the fact that a life without you is a curse.
You see, there is no definite answer to that.
Merry Christmas, Love,
Your Santa ❤️

Copyright © 2022, Aashish Barnwal,  All rights reserved.

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December 19, 2022
Kristen,
In the ambition to create an identity for yourself, to become someone better, someone exemplary, don’t forget who you are. For that was the very person I met, and fell deeply in love with.

Love, nothing can make me happier seeing you chase your dreams to the end of the world, and achieve the greatest, great can ever be. No matter where I’m, I’ll always take pride in your accomplishments, and celebrate your success. For you are the most extraordinary person I know.

Kristen, what I’m trying to say is that… whatever you do, wherever you go, you’ll always find me by your side. I’ll be your shade in the scorching sun, and warmth in the spine-chilling winter. I’ll never let a smile leave your face, nor will I ever let tears roll out of your eyes.

Love you loads,
🐼

Copyright © 2022, Aashish Barnwal,  All rights reserved.

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5 min read

I was watching FlashForward – a TV show focused on high-concept narrative around a mysterious event, that caused nearly everyone on the planet to simultaneously lose consciousness for 137 seconds, during which time people see what appears to be a vision of their own life approximately six months in the future: a global “flashforward“.
It boggled my mind. 2020 pandemic reminds me a lot like that. A black swan at global scale. Nobody, not even the brightest of minds on this planet, could have predicted that. Well, Bill Gates did. But that’s debatable.

As I survived through the pandemic, I feel fortunate and grateful to be surrounded by the people I love, who made the over-long lockdown worthwhile. The black devastating year was a great teacher, and a living testament of my emotional intelligence – patience, perseverance, pluck, and compassion. Someone once asked me, if I have learned anything at all. So let me tell you what I learned. I have learned that nothing in life is permanent. I have learned that nothing can replace the pain of losing a loved one. Life is fickle. Everybody dies at the end. But if we mean something to someone, if we loved someone, we are not truly gone. As long as our memories remain in the heart of those we love, our tales are told, our music is listened, our books are read, our paintings are admired, a part of us, though little, continues to live in this world.
I have learned that happiness can be found in darkest of times. I have learned that little things in life can be beautiful beyond imagination. Sitting on the porch, and watching the sun fade into the sky – lying on the rooftop, and counting the stars as they emerge from the blanket of darkness – strolling on the crosswalk, holding hands of a loved one, while they whisper something in your ear – enjoying exquisite delicacies someone you prepared only for you.
I have learned that nature always finds a way to heal itself. Covid19, while it deeply scarred the lives of people across the globe, there are things in nature which we never realized were there. Dolphins returned to Venice. Himalayan ranges can be seen from certain parts of Punjab. Clear blue skies, vibrant sunsets — colours that I so wanted to see in Hyderabad for the last 7 years– were all here.
I have learned that you can find love in weirdest of places in weirdest of ways. And that lockdowns can be beautiful. Nothing can really replace the feeling of spending the moments with someone you love. No materialistic thing in this world is, and will ever, be capable of that.
I have learned that sometimes we should follow our hearts, and take its guidance. If you want to meet someone, spend time with someone, never ever think twice. Life rarely gives a second chance.
I have learned that as you grow, the number of friends trims down. Fake and pretentious people leave, and those who are true remain. It’s a process of selection.

Having lived a good part of the year in silent contemplation of various aspects of life, I’ve come to realize that nothing in life holds permanent. A year filled with pain of losing a loved one, joy of finding new love, opportunities missed, chances not taken (which sometimes never come), decisions – good and bad, lost friends, regrets. I realized that life is fickle after-all. Humans are minuscule in grand scheme of things, and sometimes we don’t have a choice. All we can do is wait, and watch events unfold in mysterious unpredictable ways.

Last year was truly special because of two major events in my life. I met a wonderful woman, Keeya, my life partner, because of whom the lockdown turned out to be the best gift I could’ve asked for.
I also took a difficult decision relocating to North American shore. As much deeply as I want to pen about it, perhaps it’s a long story for another time.

When everything is over, when the worst has happened… there’s still one thing left in Pandora’s box — hope — hope that everything will be okay. It has to be. It’s a cycle of life.

March 23, 2020 – A date that still sends the shivers down me. I saw my net worth plummet like a rock to 47%. Nifty was at 7600, and I just didn’t know how to react. Wonderful businesses were selling at throw away prices, and I had no clue if I should buy or sell. As I reminisce those unprecedented times, I am fortunate to have held onto the businesses I believed in. I kept calm, and pretended I was living under a rock, as if nothing has happened. Albeit my floccinaucinihilipilification of the market bottom lost me a multi-decadal opportunity, the feeling of coming out of it unscathed is unparalleled, and can’t be expressed in words. Patience is the silent acceptance that things can unfold in a different order than planned.

As we’re at the fag end of an unfortunate year, here is a list of things I learned in 2020.

  1. It is often when one least expects it that fate arrives at our door. We can’t foresee it any more than we can escape it. No matter how hard we run or hide, fate, like death, will always find us.
    You can’t always plan for unprecedented times. Be flexible. Learn to adapt
  2. You don’t seek love. Oftentimes, you find it in weirdest of places in weirdest of times
  3. You don’t find excellence. You build it and then it takes you places
  4. Developed countries are not always developed in everything. The first thing that I missed in Vancouver is the disruption from Mukesh Ambani in India
  5. Loneliness is real. It’s hard to make friends abroad
  6. Stay away from pretentious, dishonest people. They suck all your energy and positivity. If you spot a pathological liar, run as far, and as fast as you can
  7. The colour of Autumn is worth all the hype. Despite being ephemeral, and a showstopper of destruction, it oozes positivity. I realize why writers have been musing over romantic October evenings, Cinnamon brown leaves, benches filled with dried leaves, for eons.
  8. Life doesn’t always give second chances
  9. Plan for FIRE as early in your life as you can. Timing the market is a futile exercise. Time in the market matters
  10. Lockdowns can be beautiful – if you’re stuck with the right person
  11. Be grateful for the good health you got. Other things in life may not hold much value, if you’re not healthy
  12. Never ever tie your happiness with wealth. Your wealth can erode in a single unfortunate day

Cheers to yet another year! And remember, Anni, amori e bicchieri di vino, nun se contano mai – “Years, Lovers and Glasses of wine… these are the things never to be counted”

Copyright © 2021, Aashish Barnwal,  All rights reserved.

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5 min read

Prologue

I am writing this, from my apartment, scared, and defiant, trying to adjust myself to the new realities of life and finding calm in the chaos. My brain still can’t handle the fact that we’ve been caught up, in-between what they call, once-in-a-century pandemic. Spanish flu, infamous as pandemic of twentieth century, infected one-third of the world’s population. And today, we are struck again by a novel virus.

Bill Gates — “The next outbreak? We’re not ready”

Interestingly, Bill Gates had warned us about an outbreak like this in one of his TED talks, dated April 3rd, 2015.

If we start now, we can be ready for the next epidemic

If anything kills over 10 million people in the next few decades, it’s most likely to be a highly infectious virus rather than a war. Not missiles, but microbes. Now, part of the reason for this is that we’ve invested a huge amount in nuclear deterrents. But we’ve actually invested very little in a system to stop an epidemic. We’re not ready for the next epidemic.
The failure to prepare could allow the next epidemic to be dramatically more devastating than Ebola.


Ebola killed about 10,000 people that year,  and nearly all were in the three West African countries. Because of nature of the virus, it didn’t spread more. Ebola does not spread through the air. And by the time you’re contagious, most people are so sick that they’re bedridden. 


So next time, we might not be so lucky. You can have a virus where people feel well enough while they’re infectious that they get on a plane or they go to a market. The source of the virus could be a natural epidemic like Ebola, or it could be bioterrorism. So there are things that would literally make things a thousand times worse. 
In fact, let’s look at a model of a virus spread through the air, like the Spanish Flu back in 1918. So here’s what would happen: It would spread throughout the world very, very quickly. And you can see over 30 million people died from that epidemic. So this is a serious problem. We should be concerned. 


In fact, if there’s one positive thing that can come out of the Ebola epidemic, it’s that it can serve as an early warning, a wake-up call, to get ready. If we start now, we can be ready for the next epidemic. 

From Bill’s Ted talk

How bad is this?

Covid-19, a name rarely heard three months ago, is on the lips, and in the mind, of every living individual on the planet today. Coronavirus fear is deepening in our hearts, with each passing day, forcing us to reassess our priorities. The panic is real. The threat is real. I am waking up to new heart wrenching numbers every morning. The day isn’t far, when it would reach every nook and corner of the world. Soon, each one of us, may know at least one infected person. We could have contained it. But we didn’t. USA downplayed it. So did Italy, and Spain. Countries with 2003 outbreak scars, seemed to control it well — South Korea, Singapore, and Hong Kong — until cases started rising again.

As I type this, USA and Italy have surpassed China’s numbers, with Italy — “The China of Europe” — accounting for one-third of world’s Coronavirus death toll. It has only begun, far from done, pushing the world into a fresh recession, as bad, or worse than, 2008, and challenging & overwhelming world class healthcare system.
If this is the situation in developed countries, I can’t seem to think what would happen in India, for it scares the hell out of me. I suspect the official numbers may be vastly dwarfed by the actual numbers. 21 days lock down is only a beginning. After effects will be far worse, and daunting. The blog — Coronavirus: Why You Must Act Now — says a lot of things, things one should know.

Coronavirus cases worldwide

We can mitigate it

Exploding number of cases is blowing whistles and raising alarm across the globe. It took 67 days to reach the first 100k, 11 days for the next 100k and 4 days for the next 100k. Before it becomes catastrophic, uncontrollable (are we already there?) and renders us into history — like World War – II, 9/11 — it needs to be taken very seriously. And for that, each one of us, have to play our part seriously, patiently, and wisely. One infected person can reignite the sparks in regions where we have successfully extinguished the fire.
We still don’t understand the virus enough. It took nearly twenty months to find a cure of less 2003 outbreak. We have got one chance of saving the humanity, going into flames, by doing nothing. Let’s not waste the opportunity. Do what a hero does in situations like these. Please stay home. World War – II and 9/11 have given us enough scars. We don’t need a third one.
As they say, nothing lasts forever. We will come out of this, stronger and better. It’s a war of resilience, more than the fittest.

Is technology making it worse?

The advancement in technology has greatly eased our lives. But it comes with side effects. Coronavirus originated from Wuhan, a province in China. Before we took it seriously, we had cases in every other country and territory in the world. We are more connected than ever. Cheaper air travel and change in how we run businesses, exposed us to greater risk of spreading the virus much much faster. The question is not, who or what to blame. The question is, how do make best use of the technology in our hands, while avoiding its side effects.

Coping up with stress and anxiety

News channels and social media, flooded with Coronavirus, are polluting air with distress. With all these around, the question is, how do we cope up with stress, anxiety and fear. Once a hypothesis has become a reality. What-if is shadowed by Now-what.

I’ve been staying at home since March 20th, have stepped outside for groceries only twice for short while. I am writing, playing Piano and reconnecting with people I lost touch with. Most of the conversation I have over audio/video calls, revolves around the pandemic. I am trying hard to hold my sanity altogether — to not allow my mind to wander in distress. I am keeping my hope up — the darkness will clear up, and the sun will shine again.

Coronavirus is giving you a gift,
The gift of time —
To rekindle relationships,
To spend time with your loved ones,
To read a book,
To reflect on your priorities,
To realize there are far more important things in life than money —
A gift of self realization.
Use it before it’s gone.

How are you coping up with the situation? Let’s share and stay strong. This too, shall pass.

Copyright © 2020, Aashish Barnwal,  All rights reserved.

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2 min read

February 14, 2020
Kristen,
It’s not very often that someone you talk to, intrigues and fascinates you in ways you never felt before. There was something in you, that charmed me in no time, like a magician playing tricks, effortlessly in front of awestruck audience. I am unsure of what it was that rendered me, spellbound, while talking to you. If I were to arrange it, in words, in the best of my abilities, I would picture you as a wave, crashing on the shores, making people go crazy, and want more of you. The most valuable art known to me, is the skill to keep the conversation moving. And, with you, it’s effortless, like a daily habit. I can talk to you for hours, and hours, and hours, and yet, it’s never enough. These days, my mind entertains nothing, but the thought of you. It’s irresistible to wait till next morning to hear your voice, one more time. Once a free bird, is now captivated by your enchanting voice, never to be freed again. When did I fall so deeply under your spell, Kristen. It’s hard to tell the time, or the moment. What I know is that I was already smitten by you, the moment I realized.

I always wondered, how two people end up spending rest of their lives together without getting bored. And then I met you. I have started to believe that rarely in your life, the stars align, and you get lucky enough to come across someone just perfect for you, who sets your heart on fire. And suddenly, you can’t imagine your life without her.

I have fallen head over heels in love with you, baby. I love you as bees love flowers and poets love poetry. I love you as icebergs love ship and fireflies love night. I love you as deserts love rain and drunkards love alcohol. I love you as cruises love seas and musicians love chords.
You flew like the autumn in my life with your pleasant refreshing breeze, and rendered me, colorful and significant. You’re to me, what water is to fishes. The potency of this love has no bounds, and I only wish, that some day, I would be able to carve it into words — for this small writing is vastly dwarfed by what I feel for you.

Copyright © 2020, Aashish Barnwal,  All rights reserved.

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2 min read

September 25, 2018
Mary,
A thing in particular I don’t like about life is that sometimes, we get to know someone deeply only to realize later it wasn’t bound to last and a time comes when we have to let it go. It all starts as fun. We screw up sleeps only to live an extra hour in that enchantment. Slowly it grips us in its storm and before we know, it throws us to the other side of the emotional landscape where golden sunshines are annihilated by gloomy thunderstorms, pleasant autumns are taken over by harsh winters and rays of hope are veiled by incessant rains.

It has been said that people our hearts beat for leave a part of them in us marking our souls forever. I know our time was as ephemeral as all beautiful things in the world are. But if there was a moment ever when my presence brought upon your face a smile, my words made you chuckle and my voice comforted you in times of distress, I will assume my existence in this universe has made a mark upon your soul.

What is love, Mary? Is it the sum of all beautiful moments we had? Is love sweet? If it is, why is it that your love is hurting me like hell. Why is that, that thing in your life soured all the things we promised each other? Was our love that weak, Mary? Was it that brittle?

My words would never measure upto what I feel for you. Before I met you, I used to spend nights in silent contemplation of the void in my life. Looking up at the stars, and the moon in lonely nights, I wondered when my life would be miraculous. And then “us” happened. Your presence filled my dormant life with joy. How will I wake up without the crack of your sweet voice?

This is probably the last letter you’ll receive from me. I won’t be writing any more letters to you, for my mind has subdued my heart. All those letters you read were penned with heart, hence they might have felt real. Had mind interfered in between, there would have been a lot of logic, and calculation, and psychology, and words won’t have been the same.

Copyright © 2019, Aashish Barnwal,  All rights reserved.

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3 min read

Years, lovers and glasses of wine must never be counted

Another year has passed. My quest to seek the meaning of life and true source of happiness continues. A question oftentimes pop up my mind, what would you do if you get a chance to design your life the way you want. Would you still choose to do the same work? Would you prefer more friends or solitude? Who would you want to wake beside to? Would you stop chasing money and start earning experiences instead? Possibilities are endless.

I wish life had a pause button so that I could enjoy precious moments longer. It has been said that when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to make it true. I wonder why it never works with me.

If I paint the picture of 2019 highlights, it would be rendered quite vivid and colorful. 5 countries, few photography accolades (invited for guest talk at photography exhibition and others) and encounter with a sweet girl.
Experiencing coldest day of my life, -13 degrees Celsius in the Swiss Alps and much awaited family vacation after 16 long years were icing on the cake.

However, there weren’t only sunshine and roses. I had my own share of rains and thorns too. There was a time when my life became directionless. I didn’t enjoy the work like I did before. The girl I was talking to vanished. Photography didn’t fascinate me anymore. There was nothing much to look forward to. I vividly remember spending days staring at the ceiling of my room doing nothing. These are the kind of days when you contemplate on missing aspects of life, chances you took, opportunities you missed, decisions you regret, people you lost, moments you wish to relive, successes, failures, so on and so forth.

Here is a list of 21 things I learned in 2019:

  1. People always leave
  2. You don’t find excellence. You build it and then it takes you places
  3. Financial knowledge is something you can’t ignore. You are gonna need it at some point in life. And when you do, you would regret how much you have already lost
  4. Sometimes you give your best and yet you fail
  5. Things can go well when you least expect it
  6. Sooner or later you succeed. You just need to keep trying
  7. Some things in life are inevitable. You can’t change them no matter how hard you try. But you can always prepare to minimize surprises
  8. Never lose people who were with you in the dark times. That’s when you know their true colors
  9. Life of chances always trumps life with regrets. Wear confidence, take calculated risks and be expressive. Had I done it 5 years ago, my life would have been different
  10. Trust is a rare thing in this world. Truth is, people who harm you are the ones you put most of your trust in. They change and so do their behavior towards you
  11. If you have a secret, don’t tell anyone
  12. You can be a nice guy and yet lose the girl
  13. When you feel left out, there is always a community out there you can connect to
  14. You always sacrifice one thing at the expense of other. It’s a zero sum game
  15. You are human. You can’t work with the same efficiency all the time. But people would expect you to
  16. Sometimes you don’t measure up to your own past performances
  17. Family trips are awesome. You should do it whenever you get the chance
  18. Buy only what you need
  19. Car is not an investment. It’s an expense at the cost of comfort and luxury
  20. Family, friends, work, hobbies — You get to choose any three
  21. Life rarely unfolds the way you plan and anticipate

Happy new year! And remember, Years, Lovers and Glasses of wine… these are the things never to be counted.

12 things I learned in 2017

Copyright © 2019, Aashish Barnwal,  All rights reserved.

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August 29, 2018
Mary,
The night is darker and lonelier than ever. I find a weird grave quietness in the air, the kind when the storm settles down silencing everything around. In this time of the hour, I wonder if you’ve gradually become my muse, for everything I write these days revolves around you. I am unsure if it’s your lingering charm or your stupendous attitude that I’ve started loving the darkness of silos and the only sound my mind entertains is of scribbling on my decade old rusty diary.

When did I fall so deeply under your spell, Mary? I’m probably at loss of words. There is a fundamental reason on why we fall for someone so easily, for the same reason we fall in love with stars and billion years old objects at first sight. There are forces in this world that can’t be reasoned with. And we mortals are weak in matters of heart.

Copyright © 2019, Aashish Barnwal,  All rights reserved.

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